for just one day, one moment even, if I could just hold her in my arms again and feel her short legs, ripe with babyfat, wrap around my waist. to have her soft curly hair brush my face as she nuzzles in closer to my neck and I smell that milky breath that, to this day, I know in my dreams. to have her pull Baby Fields closer to our hearts that are separated merely by the clothes we wear and to know that she is already learning to love. I sing and murmur love songs, songs that will lull her into that place known as Sleepy Town, where best friends are the ones with floppy ears, loved coats, and sometimes missing an eye, or a leg. Maybe this is our saving grace~these memories. To right all the times we were too impatient, too busy, too absent. Maybe these times of rocking chairs, lullabies, stolen kisses on the eyelids and nuzzles of the neck~memories take hold and we savor them and wish, oh how we wish, to have them once more. Just. One. More. Time. it is because of you that I believe in miracles~

So I ran across this, right, while reading through a favorite blog of mine and clicked on it just out of curiosity! Here's my fairie name. I thought it ironic and oh so neat that it's the fairy that loves Winter, just as I do! What's your fairy name?!

Your fairy is called Berry Goblinfrost

She is a bringer of riches and wealth.

She lives in fruit orchards and vineyards.

She is only seen during the first snow of winter.

She wears red, cerise and purple berry colours. She has gentle green wings like a butterfly.

Get your free fairy name here!

My birthday is this month and it's been such a happy time thus far. And the best thing is that it's only getting better. I'm becoming more comfortable with knowledge that I won't be returning to my classroom next schoolyear. Johnny is truly enjoying having me home and I get to see so much of Jenny and her family. There's been more time for friends, more time to read, to rest, to just walk outside and listen to the wind. Life is so fragile and that was deeply impressed upon me during the recovery period. What we can't change must be accepted, dealt with, and a way found to enjoy the difference. I do believe I'm finding it. And it's a very peaceful acceptance.

It Happened

Earlier this evening I came across something I've never seen before. Four pages of paper with scribbling and phrases written on both back and front. I don't recall ever seeing them, but I was the author. They were among some papers in a drawer of our desk and were written in the days immediately following the accident. I do not feel like going into the scribblings nor all of the phrases. They hurt too much. I do want to tell you, though, of one~

"I saw ddy"

this one written phrase ripped through my heart. Proof that I did see him, that I did want to go to him, and that I was sent back. Proof that the accident did happen, that it changed our lives, that it is in the past, and that life does go on. But it hurts and I don't think crying will ever make it go away.

It's my birthday month!

and you know what?

I think I'll celebrate all month!